Tag: freedom

Anxiety and Grace




Most of my life I have had serious anxiety that is most active at night. It seems to have gotten worse over the years, to the point of me feeling almost helpless, as if some other entity is in charge, causing panic-like fear. That is after all what anxiety is, a great fear of things turning out badly.

So many women I know seem to harbor this fear of becoming homeless. That is an example of a serious anxiety. Then there is fear of never having a good relationship, enough money, living a more fulfilling life……on and on. If you haven’t experienced the positive side of these things, then it is difficult to believe you can have them, that life can be better. There is nothing in your history to compare to, nothing to connect to in order to create the feelings of having that good thing.

That is how the anxiety grows and becomes larger than you. Many of us can suppress it or mask it during the day with activity and logic. It’s at night, when it is quiet and logic has left the room, that it grows into a massive monster that torments you for hours.

Taking sleeping pills or general anxiety medication didn’t appeal to me, so I turned to working on my thoughts. I noticed that I didn’t want to think about it too much during the day…..because it is so painful…..so I was left to address it at night when it felt overwhelming. What a monumental task! Kind of like climbing a rock-wall that is leaning forward, it seemed impossible.

I do pray. I know prayer, meditation, visualization and faith work! I prayed for relief, for help with positive thoughts, I demanded to be heard, I cried to be shown love, to accept feeling loved….the kind of love that makes you gentle, understanding and peaceful. I stated that I no longer wanted to accept this horror show, that I expected to be acknowledged and guided. I visualized good, loving outcomes…….

……until one night, it worked!! An other-worldly peace descended upon me, literally! The monster had left. A deep knowing, a trust had taken it’s place. The energy in the room became gentle and good; my heart was filled with love. It was nothing less than GRACE.


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Are you struggling with this?


Lately I have really tuned into how often I take on responsibility for someone else. Maybe it’s what we as women naturally gravitate to, but I have seen men do it as well.

If you are a parent, you definitely understand what I mean. You tell your child to clear the table before you head out for soccer, shopping, Disneyland, whatever…. You are on a time schedule. Your kid is procrastinating, so you jump in and finish it up.

I can’t count the times I’ve done that. Of course we know we shouldn’t, but we’ll do it just this once, because we are in a hurry.

So then I watch myself do this with adults. Most easily with a partner. It can be really little things, like dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, cheese back in the fridge without wrapping, cap off the toothpaste. Or bigger stuff like making sure the taxes get filed, the bill gets paid, the electrician gets called.

If this only happens once in a while, it’s no big deal. If this is a pattern, if  it keeps reoccurring, then it becomes a heavy burden. At first you don’t even notice it, the weight of it creeps on so gradually, you almost consider it natural, like a part of life.

If you are new in your relationship it may make you feel needed and special…..for a while. Then you settle in and you begin to feel less special, more ticked off. Things need to get done in a timely manner, but you are the only one who realizes that. Slowly but surely, the little things become just as upsetting as the big ones. Like why wouldn’t you rinse the egg off the plate before you put it in the dishwasher? Or if you had just dealt with that phone-call about that delinquent payment maybe the credit score would not have been affected.

Maybe you see it happening in your job. People rely on you regularly. It’s stuff they could do, but they decided to lean on you.  Before you know it, you have taken it on and do it automatically.

The picture I see in my head is a cart with two horses. They both start out pulling the cart until one of the horses gets distracted and starts grazing. The cart doesn’t make progress any more, nor does the partnership. It’s a combination of procrastination and lack of responsibility.

Last Thursday morning I became so aware of all this procrastination around me. It was like someone turned the light on in a dark room. I saw my life full of people who willingly let me take care of things for them. In that moment I made the decision that I am done with that. I will not accept it any more.

I knew without a doubt that this was it!! I am NOT playing on that playground anymore. I am now attracting people who are in charge of their lives, willing to do their part in a timely manner, willing to be equal partners in a project, job or relationship.

Whew! I felt like tons of weight came off in an instant, I feel so much lighter.

I know by the certainty of my decision this will now change. That is the Law of Attraction.



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