Category: Mindfulness

Feelings? Fuhgeddaboudit!

A friend recently told me when sharing her feelings in a group setting; she is usually the one to cry or laugh, sometimes both, while most of the other group-members act very calm and matter of fact.

Her emotions are always crowding in. She was worried that she feels too much and didn’t think that was normal.

It left her feeling like something is wrong with her.

In fact, she experiences her life in highs and lows… with intermittent calm periods.

She is not alone!

The majority, but not all people experience this up and down. However, we are well trained to hide it from others. Our cultural norm, our American norm, is to always feel “fine” and have it all together, meaning we pretend  we don’t feel lonely, rejected, sad, jealous, abandoned or God forbid needy.  Isn’t perfection what we portray on Social Media. We look good, we feel great, and our families are amazing.

We have been conditioned since childhood to be removed from our feelings. We’ve learned that our real feelings need to be tucked away. Many people never realize that they aren’t connected to their emotions.

Turning away from ourselves is what we’ve been programmed to do all our lives.

Mamma mia, Italians let it all hang out. They scream and yell, talk with their hands, pound the table…..as quick as it starts it’s over. Fuhgeddaboudit.

It’s clearly cultural!!

Expressing our feelings is healing.

It’s human nature to have conflicting, confused, ambiguous, strong and sometimes crazy feelings. Admittedly, some more than others.

Being vulnerable and at peace with your truth is your path to FREEDOM.

My life has felt like an emotional roller coaster. One minute I’ll experience profound gratitude and joy for the phone-call from my friend. In the next minute my partner will say something that brings me back to one of our most painful moments in our relationship and I’ll plummet.

I may be driving down the road reflecting on something with half a mind, another driver cuts me off and I end up at a red light. Somehow that triggers a memory deep within and suddenly I am in a black mood.

Conversely, if I feel despair over parts of my future and I go out to a museum or some creative event, I suddenly can’t remember why I felt hopeless when the world is so wonderful.

I’ve watched this up and down most of my life and have come to the conclusion that I’d rather FEEL everything than be disconnected.

What a beautiful rainbow of feelings that show us we are alive.

I feel others’ feelings; I feel animals’ feelings and sometimes it all feels like too much. Then I know I have to take some time out for myself.

I’ve come to accept most of my feelings, but I can tell you that this took a while.

Having grown up with a father who ridicules feelings and a mother who died from feeling too much (never finding support), I saw my feelings as the enemy.

I started out disconnected, being opinionated and in control to cover up my feelings of inadequacy, often behaving harshly like my father. Moving to America and having children gradually changed this for me, softening me and allowing the ups and downs to show. But, guess what, as my children grew they began to criticize my ability to express my feelings and called me “dramatic”.

What cosmic irony!

It felt awful, my own children rejecting the very parts of me that took so long to accept. What was I supposed to do with that? I could dismiss their criticism, but I want a good relationship with my kids.

Back to ….

More introspection.

More observations of life and others.

More confusion with my boundaries.

If you’re looking for a happy ending here I have to disappoint you. It’s an ongoing process. I have to trust that I raised my kids with the permission to feel …and maybe they are just momentarily caught in the web of cultural norm and the typical phase of reflection in which the parent represents what they struggle with themselves.

I am finding acceptance.

In my observations, I discovered that the strongest people accept and show their emotions, their feelings, because it takes courage to make yourself vulnerable.

Some books that have helped me on this journey:

Hinds Feet On High Places  by Hannah Hurnard

Feelings Buried Alive Never Die   by Karol K. Truman

Please share if this was helpful or I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Body Image – not just for women

“My thighs are too fat” she said after they had completed 6 sets of 130 stairs.

“You have beautiful legs” was his response.

She did, in fact, have beautiful legs!

But isn’t that what most of us struggle with? We don’t think we are enough or there is too much of us.

Too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, not enough of this or that. Our hair is too thin, too curly, too straight…. Our face is too long, too square, our eyes are too small, and our lashes are too short. OMG it literally has no end.

I see 10 and 11 year old girls already obsessing over this.

This is apparently also becoming a thing for young men.

Did you realize that if we start with this distorted body image when we are young we are likely to carry it with us throughout our lives?

It rarely gets better by itself!

I grew up during an era when the skin and bones look was in. The Super-model of the day looked like she might break in half if the wind blew too strong.

She was on every magazine cover; there was no escaping the message.

Alas, I had curves, a J Lo butt and curly hair.

Boy, did I feel ugly!

I also had a beautiful mother who spent hours in front of the mirror perfecting her look. The women in my family had strong of opinions about how other women should look.

In other words, they were very critical of others.

My parents used to spend weekends and holidays with another couple.  I loved them, they were fun; they laughed a lot and were nice to me. We were frequently invited to their lake-house and all of us females wore bikinis. My mom’s friend had stretch marks on her belly and it definitely wasn’t a six pack, but she had great self-confidence. She wasn’t shy, she felt good about herself.

My mom, however, couldn’t stop criticizing. “How can she walk around in a bikini looking like that? The nerve! She shouldn’t be wearing a bikini”.

My dad was a prominent businessman in town and everyone knew and watched us.

We had to be perfect. Kind of like a celebrity on a smaller scale.

My dad only complimented us when we looked good, never about our personalities or abilities. He loved showing my mom off. My parents went to spas to lose 10 pounds, if they ever gained any weight. We never had candies or any kind of junk food in our house.

When I finally received some allowance, I spent it on candy. It was the most exciting thing for me to be able to buy some of this sugary stuff. My mom’s comment was: “You’ll get fat if you keep eating all these sweets”.

I, of course, heard that I AM fat. So, off I went into my teenage years FEELING fat and unattractive, which I wasn’t.

That’s the environment I grew up in.

Being an observer, I noticed the many different perspectives of my girl-friends. Some were equally self-conscious about their bodies, some were not at all and some were in between.

The ones that weren’t shy about their bodies seemed to have more fun.

They jumped into the pool without worrying how their hair might look afterwards. They freely participated in games, while those of us who felt inadequate physically sat back and watched…..with our perfect hair and sucked in tummies.

Like I said earlier, this distorted perception of self never goes away on its own.

It is such a profound burden! It made me miserable to constantly worry about my appearance, as if I had no other redeeming qualities.

Continuously stressing about what foods I could and couldn’t eat. What outfits looked most flattering, what things I could and couldn’t do.

I had to find a way out of this messed up belief system.

The one thing that helped me the most is something that was not on my radar. My father had a huge Birthday party with a belly dancer. That was my first exposure.

Afterwards, serendipitous events began to happen.

We visited Egypt and saw several belly dancers.

We spent a week with friends at their beach house, where we all played music and danced. One of the women there (I didn’t know her very well) was very confident and frequently danced for all of us.

She was a Belly dancer. I was intrigued.

On Face Book I discovered that she also performed on stage and I noticed that in some obscure corner of my mind there was a small part that was envious.

Then a friend suggested that we take a class together. I was not fully ready to put myself in that position, but I did it anyway.

Turned out my friend couldn’t make it and there I was: by myself. This is what I discovered.

  • This is a complex workout! I learned to move parts of myself I didn’t know I had.
  • I had to connect fully with my body, from my fingertips to my toes.
  • There is a deeply feminine sensuousness at work that goes beyond the physical self.
  • I saw all sorts of bellies and after a while I began to accept my own belly…..my whole body.

I believe for each of us there is that one thing that will help shift a faulty body image, something that allows us to become whole. Belly dancing may not be right for you. It could be surfing, dancing, hula hooping, yoga, excelling at a skill……whatever it is that begins to take the focus off your appearance and onto your whole being.

  • It’s important to be healthy. Eating fresh foods, eliminating sugars and processed foods makes us feel better.
  • It’s important to exercise. Human bodies are not meant to sit all day. They are made to move.
  • Find that one practice that makes you feel good about yourself in every way, not just physically.
  • Every day take a quiet moment to check in with yourself and know that you are more than your physical appearance.
  • Have people in your life that emphasize your inner beauty, not your physical hotness.
  • Let’s compliment and encourage girls for their qualities, not their looks.

We need to find our answer; we need to become explorers until we find it. The alternative is insecurity, misery and/or lots of plastic surgery.

If you are interested, here’s more to read and see about belly dance:

http://www.atlantabellydance.com/Overview/WhatIsBellyDance.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACBQ5Zj3Zao&list=PL8BB75EA152175038

Find Your Tribe – Don’t Stop Searching

Find people who can handle your darkest truths, who don’t change the subject when you share your pain, or try to make you feel bad for feeling bad.

Find people who understand that we all struggle, some of us more than others and that there’s no weakness in admitting it. In fact, few things take as much strength.

Find people who want to be real, however that looks and feels, and who want you to be real too.

Find people who get that life is hard, and who get that life is also beautiful and who aren’t afraid to honor both those realities.

Find people who help you feel more at home in your heart, mind and body, and who take joy in your joy.

Find people who love you, for real and who accept you for real. Just as you are.

They’re out there, these people. Your tribe is waiting for you. Don’t stop searching until you find them.

Written by Scott Stabile http://www.scottstabile.com/

Is This the Most Loving Thing?

What if we started asking ourselves periodically throughout our day “Does that feel like the most loving thing for myself?”

What if we started to ask ourselves that question every time we make choices and decisions, big or little? Would it change things?

Would we do things differently? Would our lives be different?

Doing the most loving thing doesn’t mean doing the easy or most comfortable thing. It means becoming present to ourselves, tuning in, to see what the best choice is, the most loving choice in any particular circumstance.

We all have that quiet inner voice that tells us what is right for us whether it’s a big decision or a small one.

  • Is drinking that cup of coffee the most loving thing for my body right now?
  • Is continuing to work in that environment the most loving thing for me or should I look for another job?
  • Is staying with that man or woman (even though he/she has lied to me) the most loving thing for me?

It may be the most loving thing to stay.

The thing is, it’s not about blanket judgments, but about learning what is best for YOU.

Each of us has a unique path on this earthly journey. Your way is probably not your neighbor’s way. Your friend’s choices are probably not the right ones for you.

Here’s an example:

Carol, a strong, independent career woman, found out that her husband was cheating. She had proof, but he continued to deny it.

Carol went into a tail spin, crying, despairing, cursing……she looked for solace in their teenage daughter, sharing details that were way too intimate.  Her work suffered, she neglected herself and her friendships. She felt destroyed. She planned to leave him.

Her daughter finally told her to stop feeling sorry for herself and make a decision. (Something a teenage daughter probably would say)

Hearing this from her 16 year old daughter stopped her in her tracks. In a moment of clarity she saw the truth in this and re-connected with her Self.  Factual, realistic and calm, she made the decision to stay…… it seemed right to her.

Finding their way back together was rough. She had to make the choice daily, hourly sometimes, but she knew she was on the right path. Slowly, through their shared interests and focusing on the good things between them the wounds began to heal.

Now, 10 years later, she is again that strong, clear-headed woman. She has lots of friends and is involved in many activities. Her relationship has evolved and is easy going with plenty of laughter.

For Carol it was the right decision to stay, even though she didn’t get closure because her husband never acknowledged the pain he caused. She listened to her inner guidance.

It’s a different story for Hannah:

Hannah was initially completely charmed by her husband’s ability to have incredible philosophical conversations. They practiced yoga and meditated together. Being quite the intellectual and very spiritual, this kept her interested and fulfilled for a long time.

She didn’t notice his unbelievable selfishness for years; that he never really helped, nor supported her endeavors. How he made her pay for everything, while he kept his money for things he wanted. How he went away to be with other women and said he couldn’t answer her calls because he didn’t have good phone reception.

When she finally began to see him for who he is – it was a very slow process – she became overwhelmed with the mess her life had become and was filled with despair. She beat herself up for not seeing it sooner. She wanted him to leave.

After agonizingly painful months, she chose to stay. She didn’t see a way out for herself. She told herself that he needed her and couldn’t make it on his own.

Today, although still together, they barely speak; she has lost all her inspiration and ambition. He hasn’t changed. They are simply co-existing.

Can you see why Carol’s decision was loving and Hannah’s was not?

Carol made the decision from her center, her strength; she listened to that still small voice. Hannah, on the other hand, was unable to connect with her Self, she was afraid to listen to that voice and chose from fear.

Those are major decisions in our lives.

But every day here are a million smaller decisions to tune into to learn which choice is the most loving for ourselves.

Don’t ever feel guilty about taking care of yourself. There’s a difference between honoring your path and being selfish.

If you don’t honor yourself, you may find you have nothing left to give, to yourself or others.

When we pay attention, we notice that all day long we are being guided by that little small voice. It may be difficult to hear at first, it’s very gentle and soft, never demanding.

The more we acknowledge it, however, the easier it is to hear. It is our loving inner guide that wants to support and help us on our journey.

We may feel tired and want to skip the workout, but something within urges us to do it anyway.

Sometimes we feel a nudge to make conversation with that stranger next to us, but we don’t. That very conversation may bring the answer to something we’ve been wrestling with for weeks.

Or we feel stressed over a situation and keep doing, doing, doing to try and fix it – when the most loving thing is to just take a break and do something enjoyable.

The more we can tune into ourselves, become mindful of this available guidance within us, the more we hear it. We are developing mindful self compassion. The kinder (instead of harsh and critical) we treat our soul in this physical body the smoother life becomes.

The more we learn to listen to our unique voice, the less we judge others. Our compassion and understanding grows. We develop clearer boundaries in our lives. We learn to trust and find peace, because we discover that all is well.

To learn to find your inner voice, contact me

The True Meaning of Friendship

“Friends… they cherish one another’s hopes. They are kind to one another’s dreams.” – Henry David Thoreau

I’ve been thinking about friendship, the true meaning of friendship.

When we’re young we don’t seem to have a lot of requirements when choosing a friend, but as we gain some life experiences we become a little more discriminating.

Friendships go through seasons, just like any other relationship. Some close friends drift apart, others fade away, some just limp along and a few…very few work through their issues, they talk about what’s going on.

As I was contemplating this I became very clear on what I want in a friendship. One of the most important aspects for me is honesty. I want to know what’s going on…good or bad…whether on my end or my friend’s. Whether it’s awkward, painful or difficult; I want honesty!

Tell me if I’m the problem in the relationship; tell me if I have done something to hurt you. I want to know where I stand. I don’t want politeness, avoidance, putting up with or putting on a good face.

Tell me if you are having problems. Let me know if you can’t seem to move on and need to cry, complain or just plain stay depressed for a year.

By being honest you give me the choice how to show up in our friendship.

So often, as I listen to others, there seem to be issues that come up, maybe a phase in life, maybe a personality quirk, more often though it’s just a misunderstanding that becomes the undoing of the friendship. In a truly good friendship one can discuss that.

Just recently someone shared that she was very hurt by her friend who seemed dismissive.

Typically, in relationships, we just charge ahead and act as if nothing is wrong. We’re OK…on the surface. Underneath, however, we hurt. That hurt doesn’t disappear just because we pretend we’re OK. These things usually add up over time and create a bigger rift that often can no longer be bridged.

It takes love and honesty, a desire to have a solid relationship, loyalty and an ability to see a bigger picture to address the issue in a way that isn’t critical and accusatory. It takes being vulnerable and authentic.

It takes being open and real.

After mulling it over for a while, this person chose to address it with her friend in a genuine and open manner without blame. The result was a loving, honest conversation wherein both saw that there were several misunderstandings. Both walked away feeling heard and surprised by the love that showed up in the conversation and each felt honored in their relationship.

It strengthened their friendship.

On the other end of the spectrum, another woman told me that she was fed up with the fact that her (loyal, supportive and caring) friend expected her to come to her side of town too often for get-togethers and rarely had time to come to her.

She had simply had enough with that behavior and besides she could point out lots of other faults as well.

It was easy to see that this was all about feeling hurt and insignificant.

As you might guess, that friendship went by the wayside, slowly but surely. There was no honest, real conversation about misunderstandings and hurt feelings, which left both of them bewildered, hurt and abandoned by the other and subsequently justified in letting go of what was a good friendship.

We all have quirks, annoying habits, less lovable aspects… those things can be dealt with if we value the relationship. It takes two, of course. As in any relationship, both parties have to be willing otherwise there is no relationship.

Although we can never really walk in someone else’s shoes, we can attempt to see life from the other’s perspective. We can try to put ourselves in the other person’s world and gain a better understanding for their choices in life.

The other thing I know that I want is Loyalty. If we have reached a place where we have seen the other in good situations and bad, happy and sad and still decide to be friends, then we have a solid friendship.

If one of those friends goes through an especially hard time for whatever reason…..maybe a year or more…..hang in there with them. Be loyal! Life is tough, plans don’t turn out; the boat may capsize in the rough seas of life…hang in there with your friend.

“Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness.” – Euripides

Come back to the honesty if he or she complains too much or is a downer for too long.

Friendship is one of the most valuable things in life, more valuable than your house or any of your possessions. Friendship is the thing that will pull you through life’s hardest times, lonely and frustrating times. Friendship will pull you through devastating losses. Friendship can put you back together when you’ve come undone.

Choose your friends carefully; look for shared values, an open, loving heart, compassion, honesty and loyalty.

Once you have found that, don’t let it go for any reason.

“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” – Thomas Aquinas

Another perspective by Alex Lickerman M.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201312/the-true-meaning-friendship

The Gift of Mindful Presence

There was a point when I noticed that everyone in my life seemed to talk a lot while I listened.

I wasn’t a talker.

I was pretty young; maybe my early 20s and I didn’t know things other people knew….like women talk more than men in general. Men think differently about sex than women. There are chick flicks. Being vulnerable with everyone might not be smart. I could go on……….

You could say that I didn’t know much of anything about the world! I was really naïve.

However, I began to watch people. I thought that maybe something was wrong with me and I needed to talk more to be normal.

Not being like everyone else made me feel left out. Very lonely!

Being so focused on feeling like an outsider kept me from realizing that people were talking to me. It took me a long time (again! I’m a slow learner sometimes) to realize that many people told me things they didn’t tell everyone else.

The only way I even noticed was because I was told repeatedly: Oh my God, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.

It finally dawned on me that maybe listening wasn’t such a bad thing.

My work as a grief counselor, years later, deepened my understanding that simply being present, being a witness to someone’s suffering is one of the greatest gifts we can give another. No amount of advice will lessen the despair of having lost a person we love. Our platitudes are empty words that give no solace.

Don’t most of us give advice when someone is hurting or something is not working in his or her life? Men especially (I figured that one out finally) are wired to fix things.

Advice-giving in general comes naturally to our species, and is mostly done with good intent. But in my experience, the driver behind a lot of advice has as much to do with self-interest as interest in the other’s needs (I know that’s a tough pill to swallow) — and some advice can end up doing more harm than good. Giving advice often lessens the discomfort we feel in the presence of someone’s pain.

Many of us want to be really good helpers, making sure we say the right things and give good advice. We want to do the right thing and minister to the needs of the person whom we are helping, but taking the time and patience to really be present is often a challenge.

Mindful presence is the essence of connection.

Yet especially when we’re in the presence of deep suffering we can barely stand to be there, as if we were in danger of catching a contagious disease. We want to apply our “fix,” then cut and run, figuring we’ve done the best we can to “save” the other person.

The more uncomfortable someone is with a situation, the more likely they are to offer advice…

Just recently a client had this experience when she shared with her good friend that she found out she has cancer and is very scared: His response was that she’d be fine and then started making jokes to get her mind off of her condition. She wanted to crawl away at a time when she most needed the comfort of being seen.

The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — it longs to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.

In being heard we feel seen. Listening, asking “tell me more” opens the door to the deepest parts of the other.
Someone who is unafraid to accompany another in his suffering makes the other less afraid of himself. It is the greatest gift to be present — simply and fully present — in the same way one needs to be at the bedside of a dying person.
It is at that bedside where we finally learn that we have no “fix” or “save” to offer those who suffer deeply. And yet, we have something better: our gift of self in the form of personal presence and attention, the kind that invites the other’s soul to show up.

We not only apply this over-zealous need to “fix” to others we see in pain, we often apply it to ourselves.

Often the best way to address what ails us is to be present with our own emotions, thoughts, and senses. We don’t need to “fix” ourselves all the time, but perhaps observe with curiosity what we’re feeling because there is a reason under that feeling that we need to spend time with.

 “This is the first, the wildest and the wisest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness.” – Mary Oliver

So here’s my advice —

  • Be fully present, listen deeply, and ask the kind of questions that give the other a chance to express more of his or her own truth, whatever it may be
  • Don’t give advice, unless someone insists..
  • As you are being mindfully present… listening… you will know if and when advice is a wise thing to give.

I’m still not much of a talker. These days I don’t feel like such an outsider anymore. That’s a nice thing.

How To Get Out of a Funk

Three steps to get out of a funk.

We all have days when things don’t seem to go right and you feel down. You know those days when it would have been easier just to stay in bed.

You may know the reason you feel blue or you just woke up this way. I think most of these funks don’t actually have a specific cause but our mind tries to figure it out anyway.

It’s easy to get caught up in it, wallow in it …..for days even. You waste precious time looking for reasons. The funk doesn’t’ go away, so what do you do?

If you’re human you can’t escape these feelings. I’ve had plenty of those times and I wanted to find a way to get out of these random funks.

So I did some mindful things that I found really work.

  1. Acknowledge that you are feeling down.

Researchers have found that when we’re feeling any kind of negative emotion we can make it less severe by acknowledging it and labeling it.

Give yourself permission to be in a funk, acknowledge you’re in one and feeling whatever it is you are feeling.

What you resist persists. So stop resisting.

Our mind wants to make sense of things and giving voice to a feeling is a powerful way to acknowledge it. Everything in life wants to be acknowledged. Once we do that we find that a door opens to take away the intensity and something shifts!

  1. Move energy.

Everything in the universe is energy, and when you move that energy, you will see changes in your mood.

When we’re in a funk it’s easy to sit around, crawl back under the covers or remove ourselves from others.

But the best thing to do is something different. Get up, turn the music on and dance. Go out and meet a friend, exercise, take a walk on the beach, go to that party you’ve been invited to, go to the movies, to the park……anything, as long as it’s movement.

  1. Be kind to yourself.

Don’t beat yourself up for not constantly being peppy and excited. Life isn’t like that. It takes sadness to know happiness. Downs to recognize ups.

So treat yourself with compassion and love. Imagine how you would treat your child or best friend. You would be gentle and kind…..

Do kind things to make you feel treasured. Take that hot bath, have that special cup of coffee, take time to just be.

It’s not a license to binge on chocolate or alcohol under the guise of being kind to yourself. That won’t make you feel better. You know the difference.

Loving actions toward yourself are ones that make you feel good, increase your self-respect, honor you.

Try these things and let me know how they work for you. No, you won’t suddenly be Tigger, but you’ll feel better. A little more alive, less funky.

How to Stop Letting your Emotions Control You

Have you ever gone into a fit of rage and come out barely remembering what you said or how you got there in the first place? Have you ever let your emotions be in control?

I think this is true for many of us. So when I found this article by psychotherapist Danielle Benvenuto I felt it was worth sharing. She uses my favorite approach to life: Mindfulness

Here you go:

Have you ever been seized by sheer panic while waiting for a response from your new crush, a state so powerful that sending a text message every hour on the hour, wondering aloud if something terrible happened, felt like a good idea?

Have you ever convinced yourself that you’re not good enough, cool enough, smart enough, pretty enough, woman enough, man enough, tall enough, skinny enough, (fill in the blank) enough and that the whole entire world must think so too?

We all have our triggers—certain experiences that take us to emotional places we prefer not to go.

For some, it’s feeling neglected. For others, it’s being criticized. The list is a long one. We all have our own set of life experiences that help to create a place where our emotions can get the best of us. I have dealt with a fair share of my own and because my line of work is in healing, I witness it every day and in many different forms.

So how exactly do we get held hostage by our emotional states? And what can we do to find our way back to solid ground, where we can see things from a clearer perspective?

Here are two fundamental ways we allow our emotions to get the best of us and how the power of mindfulness techniques can help. They not only help to ground us when we’re losing our grip on reality, but also foster a more solid foundation so that, over time, we can catch ourselves before we slip down into that much-dreaded but familiar rabbit hole of emotion.

Two things that contribute to emotion overload:

We go on the chase.

The moment we start chasing a train of thought or emotion, we begin to hand our power over to it. We do this when we judge, obsess, and over-analyze.

For example: You are feeling anxious because you have an important job interview. You begin the “chase” by thinking: I’m probably not going to do well on this interview. This thought causes anxiety and uncomfortable sensations in your body. In response to the anxiety, more thoughts occur: I bet normal people don’t feel this way. I’m such a mess. Why do I feel weird? I need a drink. Why am I such an anxious person? Which contributes to even more anxiety: I’m going to completely bomb this interview. I must get rid of this anxiety right now…but, wait, I have no clue how to do that either. I must be a failure at everything!

Instead of giving the anxiety-provoking thoughts and feelings space to breathe and make their way through uninterrupted, they get amplified by a judgmental attitude similar to the above and flare up like an out-of-control fire. One of things we don’t want to happen while in the midst trying to put out that fire is for massive gusts of wind to pass through.

Imagine this fire as an emotional state you are prone to experiencing and a strong, forceful wind as the judgmental stance you typically take about this particular emotional state. We make ourselves feel worse by fanning our emotional flames, and more importantly, we leave no room for our feelings to naturally die down with time, which, by the way, is what emotions typically do if given the chance!

If we don’t create space, we also don’t allow room for reason or intuition to emerge to help with whatever we’re experiencing.

The mindful alternative:

Mindfulness asks us to take a curious, open, and non-judgmental stance to all that passes through our minds. For example, say: I think that I am not good at job interviews and this is causing me to feel anxious. Or: Right now, I am experiencing anxiety. It’s important to not make meaning out of the feeling or have it be a reflection of your self-worth or the current reality.

Instead, observe it by saying something like: “I must be a failure” is a thought that is passing through my mind. I’m feeling like a mess, but this doesn’t mean I am a mess. It can be helpful while making these statements to hold your heart. Doing this sends the communication that you are here for yourself while sending loving energy through your hands. This reminds me of Thich Nhat Hanh’s to difficult feelings, in which he advises us to say, “Anxiety, I am here for you.” Replace anxiety with whatever emotion you are experiencing that you want to fight or judge.

Another approach is to imagine the thought as a cloud passing through the sky. The sky is your essence, pure and untainted by the self-defeating narratives you make up about yourself, and feelings and thoughts are the weather (a cloud, a snowstorm, rain), which is always subject to change. Watch the thoughts and feelings as phenomenon passing through you, instead of being you.

It can be helpful to  find an anchor back to the present moment—using your breath or the sensation of your feet touching the floor—when you find yourself drifting away.

We Give The Silent Treatment.

The second mode we engage in is denying our thoughts and feelings their right to exist. Repressing thoughts and feelings, however, only makes them fight more adamantly for self-expression.

Looking through a scientific lens, feelings are energy, and since energy can’t be destroyed, the energy that comprises the feeling will find a form of expression regardless of our attempts to block it. In my personal and professional experience, this usually occurs through an experience that feels overwhelming and often completely alien. Depression or ongoing panic attacks—with no identifiable trigger or psychosomatic symptoms that have no medical diagnosis—may emerge.

We typically repress our feelings because we were taught through our various life experiences that it isn’t safe to have them. If anger is not an acceptable emotion to have, you will have belief systems in place that check the emergence of an angry feeling. However, eventually this system fails.

For example, you are angry because you find yourself more often than not taking care of other peoples’ needs before your own. You don’t assert yourself when you need to, and you ignore the anger you feel brewing at being taken advantage of. You question whether or not you have the right to get what you need. You’ve been doing this for years, thanks to an upbringing where self-sacrifice was the way you were taught to give and receive love. Alas, you find yourself in a fit of rage saying something hurtful to someone, barely remembering what you said, and then feeling guilty for losing control.

The mindful alternative:

Give yourself permission to have your feelings by honoring them as they arise: “I feel anger and l will take care of this feeling by letting it unfold and, if it helps, understanding what it is asking of me or trying to tell me.” Talk out the feeling with a friend or a therapist. Often, we don’t always know what we are feeling and by voicing it to another, insights about ourselves begin to take shape.

If a feeling doesn’t feel safe to express, start by journaling about it or noticing where it resides in your body. Walking or running is also helpful, especially since physical activity can help release emotional energy being stored in the body. This approach is particularly helpful when intense emotions are passing through and sitting with them feels nearly impossible. While moving your body, practice the same non-judgmental and open attitude I mentioned earlier with whatever emotional state is moving through you.

~

As you can see, the vicious cycle of being emotionally held hostage ensues in either mode.

If we switch to a mindful approach, where we observe our thoughts and feelings rather than chase or ignore them, we create a space to see how things truly are, instead of how our limited egos and the narratives we have been telling ourselves make them out to be.

This space we create becomes an anchor and with time, this space becomes a solid structure within ourselves—a home within our own bodies—where we can enter into a positive and more caring relationship with ourselves.

Author: Danielle Benvenuto

Read her article at https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/02/how-to-stop-letting-our-emotions-hold-us-hostage/

Practicing Non-Attachment

One of the hardest things to do as a parent is to allow our children to be who they want to be.

I just read a post by Madisyn Taylor of Daily Om about that subject. It reminded me of that timeless poem “On Children” by Kahlil Gibran.

She wrote a great article. It raises some interesting points.

There is very little information about how to accomplish this non-attachment once our children leave home.

It’s not an easy transition. It wasn’t for me.

As we nurture our children from tiny babies into adulthood, we constantly have to adjust through the many stages of childhood. Hopefully, we gradually decrease our need to be in charge to allow their independence.

Ideally, we slowly release the reigns and detach.

However, once they move out on their own, a huge chunk of our purpose suddenly disappears.

Like death, it’s something you cannot prepare for.

This new position we are thrown into is very confusing, often painful. Even if we have a career or a business, we may feel useless.

How do we figure out what role to play in our adult children’s lives now without being overbearing and demanding? Or, God forbid, making them feel guilty for not needing us as much.

We want them to be independent, right?! But we also want to be part of their lives.

So…..What do we want to be? Who do we want to be?

How do we now fit in their lives?

I know I want to be supportive, encouraging, inspiring, stable. I want to be someone they can confide in, someone who listens without judgment.

Someone who gives permission when they want to try something crazy, life-affirming, unusual, out of the norm (We all need permission sometimes).

The Native Americans have a saying: “Let your children choose their own path and it will lead back to you.”

What I found was that I had to take a step back (or two or three) in order to do that.

  • I had to let go of my belief that I know better. They have their own thoughts, their own inner knowing, which guides them.

 

  • I had to remember being that age. We quickly forget how we thought and acted when we were younger. My stuff made sense at that time (to me anyway)

 

  • I have to remind myself that my world-view is just that: Mine. Not everyone else’s. That means I work hard at trying to see and understand my children’s perspective.

 

  • I make myself listen, really listen……so they feel heard. So they feel seen, which is what we all long for.

 

  • Finally…sometimes, when I know that my input is valuable, I give it. Lightly, carefully….AND I only pursue the conversation when I see that it has fallen on fertile soil.

It’s an ongoing practice of mindfulness, since relationships are a living thing.

As always, I’m here if you need guidance or support on your journey.

 

Click here to read Madisyn’s article:  http://dailyom.com/cgi-bin/display/articledisplay.cgi?aid=56783

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

 

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

by Kahlil Gibran

 

 

The Dark Side

We all have a dark side and we are masters at hiding it.

We all have traits within us that we don’t like. Usually we choose not to look too closely or we practice complete denial. It’s not at all easy to get real with ourselves.

I found there are two types of people in the world, those who want to know and those who want to believe. People don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.

Interesting, isn’t it? You can see it if you look at the people in your life.

Do you know into which category you fall?

I know that I want to know. I want the truth.

One of my greatest challenges is to look at life with curiosity, rather than my same old accusing attitude. It’s a habit that’s been well taught and has become deeply ingrained in my psyche. As I started to observe myself doing that, it became the proverbial onion: I found many layers.

Looking deeply at my dark side was painful. I didn’t like admitting that I’m not all wonderful all the time and recognizing the various petty grievances I have.

I’m pretty spontaneous in general, but when I make plans and they don’t work out according to my schedule, I get pretty annoyed…..not only with the situation, but especially with the people involved. That annoyance can last a while.

I first noticed my attitude with bigger things, like planning a trip and someone throws a wrench in it, which causes us to leave late or worse, not at all.

You may think, oh that’s not a big deal. But then I saw that I do this not only with big plans but little ones as well. Like planning to have a cup of coffee and we have no creamer, because the last person to use it didn’t replace it. Grrr!

At the same time I began to notice people who don’t have my outlook for whatever reason.

I saw that they struggle too, they try to make sense of what is happening, but then some sunlight shines in and they begin to smile. They take on a positive mindset and move forward.

I quickly realized that it’s pretty pervasive, this attitude of mine. It shows up in areas I never even considered.

I want to change that. The fact is, stuff happens. If things don’t go my way, the alternative could be better, more exciting, interesting, whatever. If I can be open, who knows what great things can come out of that situation?

One thing I know for sure, nothing good comes out of my bad attitude. Definitely not peace. Only frustration for me and emotional distance from the person I care about.

So….. change! How can I change it? It requires daily practice to become present to this and create a different neural pathway.

A good way to visualize this is by imagining a well worn narrow path created by a heavy vehicle. You can literally see the tire tracks from the frequent use. It becomes difficult to navigate that path without slipping into that rut. It’s just easier to stay on that track.

Changing that path requires presence of mind and a deep commitment.

Mindfulness!

Deep within us there is resistance to something different, unless we create a ritual and some type of support for a new way of thinking.

At first, as we try to create a new path, we continue to slip back into that well worn groove, but with perseverance it happens less and less. We create a new neural pathway, which becomes stronger the more it is used.

It’s simple, but not easy.

Once you decide that you want to commit, here are some steps to support your efforts:

  1. It’s important to create some kind of ritual.

You have flexibility here, because we are all different. Find some moments of stillness each day. One of my favorites is mindfulness meditation and some Kundalini yoga. If you have no idea what that is, don’t worry, simply take a moment each day to sit quietly, breathe and focus on your goal.  Observe yourself, notice what you are doing, thinking. The object is to become present to yourself.

 

  1. You have to get support

Find someone with whom you can discuss your thoughts and insights. No man is an island. Being isolated in this pursuit is a surefire way to slip back into the same old groove. Like an alcoholic, or any kind of addict, needs a support group and a different environment, we need someone who holds us accountable. Otherwise the old patterns just push their way back into our lives.

If there’s no one in your life right now, find a group online. Find a MeetUp. Email me.

 

  1. Do not judge yourself harshly!

When we are tired we fall back into old patterns. When we are overwhelmed, we typically lose our ability to be positive and strong. Recognize when you need to just be. Degrading yourself for your humanness isn’t going to change your old patterns faster. The best way to see change in our lives is to be kind and loving to ourselves.

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